Thinking of You
The day finally came. Today.
I sat in the chair for the first time this morning, watching as my heart pumped blood out of my body, through the plastic tubes, and into the bag that lay in the tray beside me.
Squeezing the ball in my hand, I tried not to think of the pinching feeling in my arm, but the more I felt the needle and saw the blood, the more I thought. I realized that this time I did not want to stop thinking; I wanted to feel. I’d waited too long for this moment, and it was important to me. So, as I watched and felt, I allowed myself to think back on my little brother…
How many times did he have pipes attached or needles jabbed into his arms, chest, back, and who knows where else!? At just three years old he had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (a cancer of the blood and bone marrow). Just a little guy with a big life ahead of him, faced with a sickness that he’d had no choice in.
I now sat, age twenty-one, with the biggest needle I’d ever had in me, thinking about how this liquid that was flowing out of my arm was exactly what he had needed. New blood. All of us need blood. He just needed different blood.
The needle pinched and burned a little and I squirmed in my seat, thinking how much more it must hurt to be the one who needs this red substance and can’t find it. To be the one who’s own blood not only failed them, but also became the enemy. How much does it hurt to need someone else’s life to keep you alive?
Suddenly my heart felt like it was being squeezed.
How many thousands of people have someone they love who needs more blood? And how many people are alive today because somebody else decided to share. My brother is one of them. Alive. Healthy. Well. All because a stranger gave, hoping that another could live.
My eyes misted up and threatened to overflow as I realized something…
We all need new blood.
Our own lives fail us. We make mistakes, hurt those we love, choose badly. We’ve become our own worst enemy. And no matter how hard we try, we can never get it right, be good enough, make it up, or heal ourselves. Our own “blood” is not good for us. We are sick; we are dying. We need new life, different blood flowing through our veins. We need somebody to give us theirs. Somebody who has enough life inside them to share, who could give away life and still make more to keep them alive. Abundance. That somebody must be the source of life. Jesus.
I looked down at my arm again… crimson flowing out. Contained. Yet my heart did not know where it was pumping to. Faithfully beating, it did what it was made to do. I have blood to spare. Others are lacking. What of the mother, who lost too much blood bringing new life into the world and who may not get to see her baby grow without more of it? What of the teen who has been in an accident and whose only option is to receive some of another persons’ life juice? What of that premature baby who can only survive if he gets a little extra help? What of that elderly gentleman who needs surgery on the heart that keeps his blood pumping?
What is it like to be on the receiving end of the liquid pumping out of my arm?
In a way, I think we all can relate to the person needing blood. Jesus gave us His blood and His body… broken, poured out. And we can live because of it. Sometimes it hurts to be on the receiving end, to think that we can’t do it alone. But the good news is that Somebody has “new blood” for us.
I can’t get over how incredible it is that we can share this life juice that keeps us all going! How wild to think that we can help another human with the very substance that, at any point in life, we ourselves might need more of.
These are the thoughts running in my mind today…
They may be a bit of a scramble, and there is so much more to still think about, to feel.
I suppose I just wanted to share some of it, partly unedited and fresh… because the main thought in my mind right now is my little brother and all those who have had journeys like his. I think of all those who are still needing blood. I don’t know what it must be like. It’s humbling to think of my own need for life.
But today…
Today, I’m thinking of you brother.